A Reel Opinion: The Best & Worst Movies of 2012, Episode I

The year that was 2012 continued many trends of the past decade; reboots, remakes, adaptations, and 3D experiments with only a handful of original ideas. Many of these trends worked, some didn’t. This Blogger was savvy enough to avoid obvious stinkers and critical floaters in the form of TAKEN 2, BATTLESHIP, THE WATCH, THIS MEANS WAR, anything involving Adam Sandler or Tyler Perry, or what seems like the 578^th RESIDENT EVIL film. This list of Worst Movies of 2012 are films which could have, or should have been good, with a few which could or should have been great.

To be clear, the inclusion of STAR WARS EPISODE I THE PHANTOM MENACE 3D on this Worst list has nothing to do with the content of the film itself, but with the terrible conversion and presentation in (goddamn) 3D. The picture was muddy and lifeless; feeling like the film was being viewed through an empty milk-glass. The vibrant colors that EPISODE I was known for were dulled down to a shade uglier than battleship-grey; making for one of the most miserable and disappointing experiences at the movie theatre, ever.

Utter disappointment is exactly why Sir Ridley Scott’s PROMETHEUS makes the list. Sir Scott’s long-awaited return to the ALIEN-universe resulted in a narrative mess loaded with lapses in logic and plot holes large enough to fly a spaceship through. The film is not as smart as it thinks it is; raising a million questions and answering none of them while being more concerned with setting up another movie instead of taking care of its own business. Its uncertain status as a kinda-sorta prequel to ALIEN added to the galactic kick to the frustrated nards.

If you were a fan of the book from which THE HUNGER GAMES was adapted from, you probably loved the film. If you had not read the books and were just out to see a good movie, you are probably still wondering what all the fuss is about. HUNGER was hampered by a dumber-than-a-bag-of-shit premise and cardboard characters you wouldn’t give a flying fart about. This is as one-dimensional as it gets, and a perfect example of what happens when a film relies too much on an audience being familiar with the source material.

It seems like we can’t get through a year without Tim Burton squeezing out another turd. His DARK SHADOWS adaptation was a dull and lifeless and bloated film, with some of the stupidest moments in history involving a battle scene and a shotgun. Burton managed to jump the shark and nuke the fridge all in one film with this overstuffed turkey.

Bill Murray’s performance as the great FDR was fantastic, which makes HYDE PARK ON HUDSON all the more tragic. Around Murray is a whole lot of nothing. Literally, nothing. HUDSON gives nothing of interest in character or plot, and is an absolute overdose of sleeping pills when Murray is off-screen.

Some of the best stories ever written have come out of the Greek tales, which why it is maddening that we can’t get a decent film involving the Greek gods, monsters, titans, and heroes. WRATH OF THE TITANS was all about its visuals (which were very good in 3D), and spent no time on its characters or its messy plot. The title of the film is also a false promise, as only one goddamn titan shows up and isn’t very wrathful.

The latest adaptation of Phillip K. Dick’s novel, “We Remember it for You Wholesale”, came at us like a rolling ball of manure. TOTAL RECALL featured a leading man with the charisma of a wet noodle (Colin Farrell), and a plot that was as interesting as a doorknob. Director Len Wiseman gives us a by-the-numbers film which failed to entertain or engage; proving that predictable often leads to boring.

HOLY MOTORS was a small indie film which had been picking up rave reviews and festival accolades all year long. Upon viewing however, nothing but frustration can be found. MOTORS is a very ambiguous film with a whole lot of weirdness. Normally that is fine, providing the ending can answer a few questions. However, MOTORS does no such thing and just wraps everything with more weirdness. Absolutely nothing is explained, leaving us to wonder if the director even knew what the whole ride was supposed to be about.

A movie should never be boring. That is Rule No. 1. That goes double for a superhero movie, and triple for a Spider-Man movie. THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN was a reboot of a well-established franchise, and failed to justify its existence by bringing a joyless and dour affair which was no fun whatsoever. A superhero film that’s no fun: traditionally not amazing.

If you are still looking for the silver lining in the recent Disney/Lucasfilm merger, you need not look any further than Lucasfilm’s RED TAILS. The idea behind this film was to be a literal adaptation of a WWII propaganda comic book, with literal being the key word. The film kept the comic format of awful and cheesy dialogue, undeveloped characters, dull plotlines and massive leaps in movie-logic. How bad was it? This Blogger nearly walked out after five minutes. And worse, the great and important story of the famed Tuskegee Airman is treated like crap; an important part of American history ruined on the big screen. Mickey and Donald and Goofy can’t come in and clean house soon enough.

THE WORST MOVIES OF 2012

10. STAR WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE 3D
9. PROMETHEUS
8. THE HUNGER GAMES
7. DARK SHADOWS
6. HYDE PARK ON HUDSON
5. WRATH OF THE TITANS
4. TOTAL RECALL
3. HOLY MOTORS
2. THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN
1. RED TAILS

Next week: The Best of 2012