A Reel Review - GI JOE: RETALIATION

GI JOE: RETALIATION serves as both a sequel to GI JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA (2009), and as a reboot to the overall franchise. By disposing of most of the original cast (off camera), RETALIATION starts anew while taking a few points ahead which were left over from the conclusion of the first film. All the pieces were in place for director Jon M. Chu to capitalize on.

Cobra’s master of disguise Zartan (Arnold Vosloo) is posing as the President of the United States. In an effort to move Cobra’s master-plan forward, he orders a strike upon the GI Joes and frames them for an assassination plot. The strike leaves only four Joe’s alive; Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson), Flint (D.J. Cotrona) Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki), and Snake Eyes (Ray Park).

GI JOE: RETALIATION starts off strong, as the Joe’s are left without a unit and without a country. The basis was there for a decent revenge-for-honor plot, but as the film gets deeper into Cobra’s plot to rule the world, things get messy. The villainous scheme to take over the world, or  perhaps destroy it completely (never made clear…there’s problem number one) doesn’t take any sort of shape and doesn’t make any sense in terms of real life, or worse, the good of the movie. With nothing but idiocy about for the heroes to fight against, RETALIATION quickly becomes a bore. Characters exist as placeholders just to shoot guns, and the action-scenes exist only to fill time. On top of it all, the main villain (antagonist) of the film is barely on screen at all…he is simply behind the scenes for nearly the entire film and is often forgotten about.

While director Jon M. Chu is pissing all over his story, he still makes time to craft a shitty-looking movie. Action scenes are poorly assembled; cuts come way too fast which takes away from any sort of sense of geography and makes it impossible to see what is going on and who is where. Scenes which are supposed to induce tension drag on for way too long with no sense of dead, energy, or pending doom. The film just doesn’t have a heartbeat and it’s easy to lose interest even during the loudest of scenes. Perhaps the best example of the shit-job here is when the filmmakers use the same exact sound-effect for a ninja-fight as they do for a jumping tank. Just imagine if STAR WARS used the same sound for lightsabers and Vader’s breathing. It’s stupid and lazy.

You know the acting is bad when the best performance comes from the actor playing a mute; Ray Park’s Snake Eyes is once again a joy to watch, even though the character feels underused. Dwayne Johnson suddenly becomes boring, and the others can’t even bring themselves to ham it up just a little. And don’t be fooled by Bruce Willis’ dominant figure in the poster. He is nothing more than a glorified cameo and his acting is as dull as the top of his head.

Perhaps the most frustrating thing about the film is that the pieces and parts look like they would be fun and interesting; characters look right at home in their military garb and the souped-up military hardware in the form of vehicles and weapons certainly look badass and intimidating. However, all of these things are underutilized and never make it past their first appearance. This movie needs to be treated like a bad case of the shits: flush it down the toilet and pretend it never happened.

BOTTOM LINE: Fuck it